


rivers and roads

by comefeedtherainn



Series: Break of Dawn [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, References to Drugs, a buddy cop fic if they were vigilantes and everything was tinged with sorrow, break of dawn verse, kaidan's death is temporary in universe but as far as shepard is concerned it is permanent, so be warned!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:27:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28102410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comefeedtherainn/pseuds/comefeedtherainn
Summary: In the two years that Kaidan Alenko is "officially" deceased, John Shepard and Garrus Vakarian get up to some trouble on Omega.(Coincides with my fic "Break of Dawn" - takes place between the end of chapter ten and the beginning of chapter twelve)
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Male Shepard & Garrus Vakarian
Series: Break of Dawn [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058591
Kudos: 10





	rivers and roads

The apartment is dark, save for strips of daylight cutting through the blinds and illuminating particles of dust floating through the air. It's 1100 hours and the Citadel never slept, never sleeps at all, especially not now. The aftermath of Sovereign's attack has resulted in weeks of clean up, literal and figurative, as the Council tries to pretend that the threat has gone. That only one Reaper existed in the galaxy, and that one Reaper is dead.

John Shepard grimaces bitterly, and downs another shot of whiskey.

He's got nothing to do in the mornings, now. Now that he's been "discharged" on account of his "mental health." Fuckers just want to shut him up, and he knows it. Nothing he could do, though. Anderson was insistent, looking at him like he was an abandoned puppy covered in fleas. Pitiful, but not something you want to keep around.

John's got nothing to do in the mornings. So he drinks

He straightens, plucking the half-full bottle and his glass off of the kitchen counter, and heads for the couch instead. He picks up the blanket and pillow and tosses them onto the floor before sitting heavily. He sleeps there most nights, avoiding the bed for reasons it hurts to think about. It's just too big. Too empty. There should be someone else there, but there isn't because -

John pours another shot.

A beep, a faint buzz in his forearm, and he glances down out of the corner of his eye as his omnitool flashes at him. Incoming call from the Council. He wrinkles up his nose and hits ignore, sending the message to join the others in his pile of unanswered calls and messages. Some of them come from friends, which he feels sort of awkward about. Not guilty. He can't feel guilt about anything, anymore, not with the weight of what he did and didn't do sitting on on his shoulders, driving him down, down into the floor. He can't focus on anything else. Nothing else fucking matters, if he's honest. All of it is so small. So stupid.

Another drink.

He's lost the feeling in his lips by the time there is a knock at the door. He squints at it, grunting and trying to decide if it's worth it, before hauling himself to his feet. He puts a hand to the wall as the floor tilts beneath him, but he manages to stay upright and stumble forward. The door opens to Garrus Vakarian, a face he hasn't seen since the day they saved the goddamn galaxy and got hardly a thank you.John blinks, slowly, as his whiskey-soaked brain processes.

"Vakarian," he says eventually, trying to sound out the syllables carefully. "Hey."

"Shepard," Garrus replies, looking him up and down in what John is sure he thinks is a subtle way. "You look...drunk."

"Observant as always," John snorts, leaning his shoulder on the door frame so he doesn't have to work so hard to stand up straight. "What's up?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure."

John steps aside, using the wall again to navigate his way back to the couch. He falls into it, raising an eyebrow when Garrus just kind of stands in the entryway, looking around.

"Thought you wanted to come in?"

"Shepard. What the hell is going on with you?"

John bristles, averting his eyes to the floor. He settles back into the corner of the couch, lounging as if he hasn't a care in the world. A more glaring lie he has never told, he thinks, but he commits to the front.

"Nothing."

Garrus' eyes fall on the collection of empty bottles strewn on the counter, and then to the couple that are near the couch, before landing on Shepard himself. He can feel them, even if he isn't looking himself, and his skin heats up with shame. He knows he looks like hell, hair dirty and clothes several days old. Can't remember the last time he shaved. He'd have to look in a mirror to do that, and that's not quite an option.

"This place is-"

"A mess, yeah. I get it."

"I was going to say a tomb."

John frowns, swallowing thickly. "Poetic. Didn't take you for the type."

It's silent for a moment as Garrus just stares and John endures being stared at. Then, his friend crossing the room, sitting slowly beside him.The lump in John's throat gets bigger, and his face gets warmer.

"I wanted to come talk to you about a lead, actually."

That surprses John so much he forgets not to look at him. "A lead? On fucking what, man? We're done."

"I'm not," Garrus snorts. "And I don't think you are, either."

"Okay. Whatever that means."

Garrus doesn't elaborate.

"Picked up some intel on a drug supplier on Omega," he says instead, crossing his arms over his chest. "Responsible for distribution of some of the most dangerous substances out there. Figured now that c-sec doesn't have me on a leash, I could head over and look into it myself."

John snorts. "Vigilante work suits you, I'll admit."

"Think it might suit you, too?"

"Who, me?" John blinks, lips parting in surprise. "Uh. I dunno. I haven't...I'm not..."

"You're a damn wreck," Garrus supplies, giving him a hard look when he splutters. "You are. Don't deny it. I know Kaidan's death messed with you."

Hearing it said aloud feels like ice being dumped into his stomach, and Shepard almost gets sick as the room spins. Jesus, maybe he overdid it, today. He swallows it down, closing his eyes tightly and clenching his jaw as he breathes through the cold sweat. Screaming and the deafening blast of a bomb sound in his ears, the bright orange of fire explodes behind his eyelids, and he tries to breathe through that, too.

"Shepard?"

"Don't-fucking-" He takes a few more breaths. "Don't fucking say his name. Please."

Garrus is quiet for a moment. "Okay," he agrees eventually, his voice more gentle. "I was saying. You're not doing well."

"Mm."

"And I think this could be a good distraction. Something to focus on."

John grunts, feeling shaky and off-center now, and passes a hand over his mouth. Sweat is wiped away from his upper lip.

"I dunno."

"What's keeping you here?"

"...nothing."

Garrus reaches to tentatively pat his back. John finds himself leaning into it a bit, craving contact after weeks of isolating himself.

"Listen, I know you're a grown man," Garrus says, has hand coming to rest on John's shoulder. "You can do whatever you want. Obviously. But I could really use the help of someone I can trust. And I wouldn't feel right leaving you here like this without offering, first."

John frowns into space, working his jaw back and forth.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

John hums, his eyes passing over the filthy apartment littered with bottles and dust. They flit to the bedroom door, hardly opened for fear of how empty it will be. He sets his teeth, then nods once.

"Alright. I'll pack light, I imagine."

"That would be smart."

"Then it's a date, Vakarian."

**Author's Note:**

> Well hey y'all, long time no see!
> 
> As the tags suggest, this is gonna deal with a whole lot of heavy shit - alcoholism, depression, grief, and mourning. If y'all read Break of Dawn (which you should, or some of this fic will be confusing), you'll know Kaidan doesn't stay dead. But Shepard doesn't know that, so shit will get sad. Look after yourselves!
> 
> Fic and chapter titles come from the song "Rivers and Roads" by the Head and the Heart.
> 
> Come find me on twitter @comefeedthrainn (no e) or on tumblr @comefeedtherainn (with the e) if you wanna chat or ask questions!


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